i want more

old movie

abnormal psych hypnosis

back to school and fuck cigarettes

all settled back at alfred u. and so begins the emotional roller coaster called my senior year beginning with the endeavor of quitting smoking 3 days before my arrival. i did wonderfully until this past friday. stress hit me like a brick wall and i started smoking again. i have been smoking for 5 years and that has been my stress relief so i dont know how to deal with stress like a normal person. i cried so hard. cigarettes defeated me. i hate them. they make me stink. they make it hard for me to breath when i run. they drain my funds. fuck them. i need them and i hate them.

terrifying nightmares

i have had a couple of nightmares that involve me cheating on my boyfriend. i am actually terrified of that happening i love him so much and dont ever want to hurt him. i’m just scared i wont be able to control myself while under the influence or something just because i have a healthy sex drive. and i think that because i am so aware and worried about it that i will never let that happen.

We Can Build an Aquarium

So I had made the conscious decision to be without a significant other after
several relationships had failed within a week or two of beginning. This was about a year ago. I did try to have another relationship and it ended up failing as well. I’m sure it wasn’t completely a fault of mine that time though, he was a lot to take care of.

I made this decision because I’m always busy with school and I believe that if I’m going to be in a relationship I want to give that person all of my love. This resulted in some questionable behavior but I knew I could not let my education be sacrificed at the expense of a relationship. Other people have no problem with this but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it despite a few delightful opportunities.
All of this changed recently.
I’m not neglecting my responsibilities with school, it’s flowing nicely between us. We both have work to do and we know that. I guess I just needed to find someone that I had feeling enough for to find a way to make it work. and it is working pretty well I think. Although it seems a little surreal at times just because of the quick emotional development, I’m thankful for these warm feelings.

and explanation of the title: so we were half asleep and apparently he was dreaming and muttered “we can build an aquarium” I was confused, it was funny.

mind meanderings

The Knife-Heartbeats
I feel like choosing to be a designer at such a bad economic time is not going to allow me to easily find a job. Plus I don’t want to feed the fire of mass consumption EVER. So I’m thinking I should start to make as much work as possible that isn’t for productions sake. I want to make high art that is number one absolutely beautiful, and two makes people think. I also like making humorous work like this:

Monoprint

I find it pretty hard to do most of the time although I believe this one was pretty successful.
I’m so scared to be out of my element, away from Alfred. I love it here and who doesn’t love college. But, I think I could live here forever. In fact, it’s my dream to go find a job for a while, get my masters,and come back to teach. If not here then some other small college town.
Is every college this amazing, are there people as unique and wonderful as I have found here? Probably so. What is it about Alfred that makes everything seem so dreamlike. For example we have had a lot of good music played here recently like Telepathe

These girls were seriously beautiful and totally gangster.
There’s nothing I love more than dancing to live music especially if it’s good and there is a lot of people like that here. Pretty much every time a band comes they say into the microphone “you guys are awesome dancers” everyone usually dances the entire time. And no one is judging. Part of the intimacy is thanks to the stage which is at floor level allowing the crowd to surround the bands. Whenever I go to these shows I am reminded that Alfred is a place where ultimate happiness is possible.
Another instance that characterizes Alfred so perfectly was this one time. . .
So there I was enjoying a gathering at 17 south main st. O an J decided to build a fire in Kanakadea which is a creek that runs all the way through Alfred and beyond. They began building and actually got it blazing pretty well when we notice that there is a group of men walking down the stream towards us. As they got closer and we exhausted every possible solution for there presence in the stream we noticed that there was a large group (maybe 15 or so) of rubber duckies floating in front of them. O yells something along the lines of “hey how’s it going? what are you guys doing?” They replied that they had nothing better to do than to kick a bunch of rubber duckies down the stream as a test for a fundraiser for Hot Dog Day. I may not have expressed accurately enough for you obtain an clear depiction of the event but it was just funny and weird. Maybe these pictures will help.